E-couragement: Why?

“The word ‘water’ never got anyone wet.” Wayne Dyer

While reading a professional coaching chapter about the power of questioning I came across a word of caution. It read, “Questions that begin with ‘Why’ can cause your client to feel defensive because the word ‘Why’ is often heard as a negative word.” Interesting. I’ve never seen a word come with a warning label. At the same time I’ve witnessed  people resist asking a “Why” question—both personally and professionally. It’s a word often shrouded in confusion and one that can backfire on you. This made me wonder. How is it that one word causes such a reaction in people?

Let’s remember, a word has no power on its own. It’s merely an empty shell waiting to take on life and meaning from its user. What do I mean? Try this. Really…try it:

• Cross your arms, lean back in a chair, roll your eyes, and in a voice fused with a shaming and attacking tone ask, “Why do you think this happened?”
• Now, relax your arms by your side, lean forward, imagine looking straight into someone’s eyes, and in a voice filled with care and genuine curiosity ask, “Why do you think this happened?”

Feel the difference? Words and phrases are powerless until we take hold of them. If you are caring, genuinely interested, and seeking understanding, your “Why” question will come across that way. Likewise, if you’re vindictive, judgmental and fault finding…guess what? Your “Why” question will be perceived that way.

Where did “Why” come from then? Each of us was born with the word “Why” embedded deep within us. Have you ever noticed what one word seems to flow from the mouth of toddlers like the old faithful geyser in Yosemite? “Why?” It’s a natural occurrence. They don’t need to be taught this. It certainly isn’t modeled for them. Children utilize this skillful question to help them understand the deeper meaning of the world around them. Like, “Mom, why are there clouds in the sky?” They continue using it until, one day, they hear, “STOP asking that question. You’re driving me crazy!”

In reality, “Why” can be one of the most powerful words we use. It shouldn’t come with a hazard warning like smoking while pregnant or driving heavy machinery after taking medication. It’s underutilized because we’ve been tricked into putting it away. Instead of avoiding it, let’s embrace it. You can use it as a highly effective self-reflecting question. Try these:

• Why am I here?
• Why do I do this work?
• Why did I make that decision?
• Why do I think this way?
• Why do I feel this way?

Infuse your “Why” questions with sincere curiosity and a desire for understanding to reap insight for yourself or meaningful and engaging dialogue with others.

Ignore the warning label and forget what you were told as a child. They’re both wrong. Trust in the strength of “Why.” Provide the right energy and spirit for this soul penetrating word. Embrace the honest and insightful conversation it can generate. Go forward, once again seeking and gaining deeper meaning from wielding the power of “Why!”